Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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