u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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