he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
