so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
