shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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