and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
