i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
