there's paper in my vomit.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
