the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
