hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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