First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
