Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
