I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
