1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
