this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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