Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
