I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
