So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
