He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
