my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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