his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
