The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
