i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think my moral compass just broke
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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