Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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