Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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