I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
