do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
