its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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