theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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