just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
