the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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