She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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