i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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