I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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