I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
not ubering you a puppy
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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