cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
