apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
