am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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