I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize