I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
