There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
