Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
