you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
