I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
