I just saw a hot homeless man
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
