I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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