none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
