my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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