Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
