If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
