Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
