You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
