made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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