my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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