I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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