I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
