Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
