Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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