Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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