I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
These tits shall not be calmed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
